Learning from my Younger Self 3: When Winning is NOT everything (there’s much more than that)
Sometimes, to remind ourselves of
what had been is all that we need to tell ourselves that everything will be all
right.
And that’s what I am doing and I
will be doing.
(A note I used to write at the very last page of old journals)
****
(Written 23rd
of October 2015)
“Success
is not the position one has achieved in life. It is about how much obstacle one
has overcome.” –Booker T. Washington
They may not see but you know how far you’ve come. They may not
know but you know—and I know. ~God
Don’t let the small things take
away your big heart. Pure heart of love. ~ Sir Jabs
How? I am just a human. I am prone to losing my
heart in all possible ways that I am not aware of.
God, You take good care of my
heart...
(Written 20th of May 2017)
I’ve always felt that I’m incompetent in Claret—a square peg in a
circular hole. My strengths weren’t really acknowledged because it’s not what
the institution needed after all.
The Lord knows how depressing and soul-crushing that ‘end of contract notice’
my principal gave me despite the fact that I have already tendered my
resignation letter. It gave me the real impression that it was given to me to
purposely make me feel that my resignation letter did not matter because I
would be included in the employees who would not be renewed for the next year –
without any trial or prior notice which was unfair and unjust on the employees’
part. To me, it carried a subtle statement that, “You’re not important and
you’re not good enough so don’t you dare file a resignation… you do not have
the right to assert yourself.” The 3.5 grade is another story—another
soul-crushing and depressing event that made me question my worth as a teacher
and as a human, all the effort unseen and unacknowledged just because people
had to be measured but not really seen and known, just measured, and if
teaching is worth-it all the effort and sacrifice after all.
My responses of frustration and negativity (instead of trusting God and
worshipping Him) turned me into a bitter, forgetful, hopeless robot.
But the Lord just keeps reminding me:
“Remember how the Lord Your God led you all the way to the wilderness
these forty years, to humble and to test you what was in your heart, whether or
not you would keep His commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then
feeding you with manna, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but
on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.” (Deuteronomy 8:2-3)
1. God has been my Provider.
2. God’s provision is what I just need but not always what I want.
3. God’s provision protects my heart. My
desires have the potential of corrupting my heart. He saw that getting
acknowledgement/recognition and succeeding at that time will make me arrogant
and proud. The condition of one’s heart is what’s most important to the Lord,
not success.
Conclusion: The Lord did not let my earthly masters or others to ‘not
recognize my efforts’ (1) to save me from my conceited self, and (2) to teach
me humility – to trust and depend on Him for affirmation and my identity.
Dear Ruth, always remember what you always used to say: “There is nothing
more liberating than taking good care of others despite any infirmity”. You may
not be perfect and you might have messed up, but God sees your efforts. He saw
the best and the worst days. You gave your best even in the worst days, which
was a majority of the days, even when your best was not enough to reach the
standard. It’s okay to tell yourself that “It’s okay”.
(Written on
the 22nd of July 2017, part 1)
“I know you can’t [succeed in Claret] and I
know you don’t know [that]. I set you up for failure because if you’ll always
do what you like or what you’re good at, you’ll never grow.” ~God
Yep,
that’s what the Lord strongly impressed on me as Serene and I watched Kung Fu
Panda 3.
He
knew from the very beginning that I will fail. He tweaked the circumstances so
I’ll fail on many aspects of teaching – those kinds of failure that I really do
consider ‘failed’ and ‘shameful’.
He
knew from the very beginning that I will not be a good testimony to His name –
Jesus Christ (aren’t Christians supposed to always be excelling? To always be
victors? To always be the best? To always shine and not to be a shame to his
name? NO.) Nevertheless, that does not diminish his “God-ness” and goodness
because my failing and failures do not ever diminish His love for me. None of
the things that humans do can ever diminish the goodness and perfection of
Christ. How grand is that to be understood.
But
He’s teaching me valuable lessons that only can only be learned on the hard
knocks of failing.
That
it’s not about the feet-failing messes.
It’s not about me. IT’S ALL ABOUT HIM.
Success/victory/winning
should not be made into a god. He, Jesus Christ, is the Lord God.
Remember
this, Ruth. You are NOT called to success BUT to FAITHFULNESS. Succeed or failed, have you been faithful? Even
if there is no guarantee of success (and even if there is a bigger chance of
failure and shame) will you still be faithful?
God
still remains faithful even if I am unfaithful.
(part 2)
On my way to TGPM, these thoughts came to me…
MEMORIES INSIDE THE CLASSROOM. MY STUDENTS’ FACES. THEIR SMILES.
INSTANCES I HAVE TAMED THEM--- like (1) How I was able to calm down one of
Castro’s nasty temper outburst/ tantrum and make him understand things then
he’s again as good like nothing has happened…; (2) how I was able to convince
and motivate Estrada to work on his Filipino and to stop sleeping in my class
(and he did it! J),
and get his sweet smiles in exchange of his previously cranky remarks; and yes,
(3) Cuevas who already felt remorse for cursing in class, and who started
cleaning the classroom on our 2nd quarter after-class review and
have made cleaning the classroom in our class a regular thing – his negative
temperament turned into positivity and lots of good changes that I am proud of.
And many more stories that just kept me up and inspired despite the
exhausting demands of the teaching profession.
It’s as if the Lord is impressing upon me, “You are a good teacher. Magaling ka!” (Yes, BECAUSE I AM HIS and HE
ENABLES ME… I don’t know what else will make me good in a profession that makes
my weaknesses resurface a lot).
And I thought, people and I was/am so caught up in the “noisiest
demands” – lesson planning, passing requirements on time, being on time always,
getting high grades for student assessments, pleasing the people around
including bosses and parents BUT I guess we have lacked the time or already
have no time to focus or think about that thing which screams so softly – IMPACT.
E magaling ka ngang mag-lesson plan at magpasa on time pero ano ba’ng
iniwan mo sa students mo? Anong impact
mo sa kanila? A thought I should ponder on much more than how much I
internalize my weaknesses.
Think of God’s faithfulness and believe it. Carry it wherever you go
(because He was and He will be always be, right?).
****
Despite
of my weakness, shortcomings, sins and failures, He still made a way for me to
go back to this whole teaching experience with a smile in my face and gratitude
in my heart. If only I can, I’ll go back and take good care of Batch T once
again.
When winning is not everything… because God is… because life is a whole a lot
more about just winning.
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