This is how Christ's Grace looks like
Yup. I was so down, so disappointed and just so irritated and angry with the people around me and of course, with myself. These nasty things happened all because of all the pent-up irritations exploding:
- I can no longer hide my "fierce burning eyes". My anger was simmering out from the bottom of my soul.
- I no longer have the self-control to hide my fierce burning eyes from the old man (whom I found had been disrespectful of my time and personal space. He overstayed at home, consumes much of my time which causes me delay and late, and even disturbs me even if i am already in my room);
- I just let the old man know how an intruder he had been (because he was asking but kept on nagging and scolding me on the streets, angered me more); Thus, my disrespectful and ego-deflating ways drove him more angry and more irrational.
- and all of these events led to a present family conflict in our home.
Simply because i was dead tired of insensitive and disrespectful people that Oci just don't know where to get an extra piece of patience and consideration for them. So there, when i exploded and the old man exploded and conflicts exploded, i hated myself. To me, it was like, "Ok Lord, i blew it all up again. I triemd my very, very, very, very best to be kind to these people (yep, all of them got the best of me), BUT I JUST CAN'T. I messed up! I always, always, always, always, always have to be kind. Look, i can't do that! So i no longer want to be a christian. I don't want to always be kind and meek and excellent and victorious. I'm a bad christian because i can't be that all the time! I can't meet the standard of people from christians. So if i'm just not being a good example to Christ, then i just better denounce the faith, forget that i'm a Christian and move on with my life through agnosticism."
Of course, the plans are laid out well. Only that THEY DIDN'T MATERIALIZE:
Plan A: (last Wednesday, Oct 25)
My thought bubble: Okay, tonight i start my agnosticism. I will be normal. I will be bad. No need for me to try to be good and kind. I will be myself. I will no longer go to church.
Workmate (Anj): Hey Ruth, you belong to a congregation right? Can you bring me there some other time? I'll be on a pilgrimage.
Me: Oh sure! Sunday, okay?
My thought bubble: I'm not so evil to prevent someone from finding God just because i am backsliding. So i still need to go to church next sunday... Ok Lord, when can i not go to church, escape from You and just stop being a christian? 'Pag umalis naman ako may kapalit ako o.
Plan B: (last Saturday, Oct 28)
My thought bubble : Ok, Anj is not confirming for his pilgrimage tomorrow. My committing to agnosticism was prevented many times this last week. But heck, i'm still a junk. I'm a bad christian. I'm a hypocrite. So i'm not going to church tomorrow. What for? I'm useless and stupid with all my best efforts.
A good friend PMed: Hey! You want to come to church with me tomorrow? Then let's hang out after! I want you to taste my favorite donuts! I-tou-tour kita. [Then more pangungulit....]
My thought bubble : I really need fresh air so i might as well join her to church. She really cares anyway and that's both weird, amazing, and touching.
The bottomline was that not any of my agnosticism plans came to happen. Right after the Sunday Service at my friend's church, i realized that i shouldn't proceed with my agnosticism plans in any way because THEY WON'T MATERIALIZE. The mighty Lord always has a cunning way of frustrating my 'agnosticism plans'; He just always has a tricky way of making me stay in the faith, in Him. Di ko talaga Sya maisahan. I can't understand why and how on earth He wants me to stay in/with Him -- even providing me all that i need like i'm a VIP -- when all the while i have been a shame to His name because of my uncontrolled temper and bad attitude (which i so so so so so hatr about myself :'( )
I hate myself so much, but why does this perfect God Jesus Christ loves me so much?
- I can no longer hide my "fierce burning eyes". My anger was simmering out from the bottom of my soul.
- I no longer have the self-control to hide my fierce burning eyes from the old man (whom I found had been disrespectful of my time and personal space. He overstayed at home, consumes much of my time which causes me delay and late, and even disturbs me even if i am already in my room);
- I just let the old man know how an intruder he had been (because he was asking but kept on nagging and scolding me on the streets, angered me more); Thus, my disrespectful and ego-deflating ways drove him more angry and more irrational.
- and all of these events led to a present family conflict in our home.
Simply because i was dead tired of insensitive and disrespectful people that Oci just don't know where to get an extra piece of patience and consideration for them. So there, when i exploded and the old man exploded and conflicts exploded, i hated myself. To me, it was like, "Ok Lord, i blew it all up again. I triemd my very, very, very, very best to be kind to these people (yep, all of them got the best of me), BUT I JUST CAN'T. I messed up! I always, always, always, always, always have to be kind. Look, i can't do that! So i no longer want to be a christian. I don't want to always be kind and meek and excellent and victorious. I'm a bad christian because i can't be that all the time! I can't meet the standard of people from christians. So if i'm just not being a good example to Christ, then i just better denounce the faith, forget that i'm a Christian and move on with my life through agnosticism."
Of course, the plans are laid out well. Only that THEY DIDN'T MATERIALIZE:
Plan A: (last Wednesday, Oct 25)
My thought bubble: Okay, tonight i start my agnosticism. I will be normal. I will be bad. No need for me to try to be good and kind. I will be myself. I will no longer go to church.
Workmate (Anj): Hey Ruth, you belong to a congregation right? Can you bring me there some other time? I'll be on a pilgrimage.
Me: Oh sure! Sunday, okay?
My thought bubble: I'm not so evil to prevent someone from finding God just because i am backsliding. So i still need to go to church next sunday... Ok Lord, when can i not go to church, escape from You and just stop being a christian? 'Pag umalis naman ako may kapalit ako o.
Plan B: (last Saturday, Oct 28)
My thought bubble : Ok, Anj is not confirming for his pilgrimage tomorrow. My committing to agnosticism was prevented many times this last week. But heck, i'm still a junk. I'm a bad christian. I'm a hypocrite. So i'm not going to church tomorrow. What for? I'm useless and stupid with all my best efforts.
A good friend PMed: Hey! You want to come to church with me tomorrow? Then let's hang out after! I want you to taste my favorite donuts! I-tou-tour kita. [Then more pangungulit....]
My thought bubble : I really need fresh air so i might as well join her to church. She really cares anyway and that's both weird, amazing, and touching.
The bottomline was that not any of my agnosticism plans came to happen. Right after the Sunday Service at my friend's church, i realized that i shouldn't proceed with my agnosticism plans in any way because THEY WON'T MATERIALIZE. The mighty Lord always has a cunning way of frustrating my 'agnosticism plans'; He just always has a tricky way of making me stay in the faith, in Him. Di ko talaga Sya maisahan. I can't understand why and how on earth He wants me to stay in/with Him -- even providing me all that i need like i'm a VIP -- when all the while i have been a shame to His name because of my uncontrolled temper and bad attitude (which i so so so so so hatr about myself :'( )
I hate myself so much, but why does this perfect God Jesus Christ loves me so much?
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